Heart! We will forget him!

(Emily Dickinson)

Heart! We will forget him!
You and I ---- tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave ----
I will forget the light!

When you have done, pray tell me
That I may straight begin!
Haste! lest while you're lagging
I remember him!

I'm falling in love with poems.

"Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines"

(Pablo Neruda)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me, too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Love, Adele, and an Open Letter

So there I was, in the living room, drinking my coffee while listening to Adele's album, 21, as I pondered and reminisced about the past few months. I just smiled to myself as I 'mentally' watched flashbacks of those happy moments I had with my friends, and of course, with him. I couldn't avoid cringing slightly though when I remembered the more 'dramatic' parts of those memories. There's still that twinge of hurt (just a twinge) when my scumbag brain forces me to recall those moments.
Ah. The memories. *sighs*

Lately, I've been thinking about LOVE. Haha. If you know me personally, you'd be all, "Duh. What's new, Kesh. You ALWAYS think about love. Yan na nga lang ata laging nasa utak mo eh." Haha. Well, let me explain. You see, I've refrained talking about love for the past months, really. I stopped thinking about it, as well. As to why I did that, there's just a one-word answer for that: BITTERNESS. Haha. Ang babaw noh? Anyway, don't ask about THAT part because I wouldn't be giving answers about it. And besides, it's part of the past, and I've learned to let that bitterness go, so it wouldn't be necessary to talk about it, right? Gosh. I'm being too talkative. LOL.

ANYWAY. Back to why I was thinking about loooove. ;)

Ganito kasi yan. We have this final speech to prepare for a subject (SC10), and I had quite a hard time choosing what topic I should use for the speech. Thinking of a topic for a speech is one thing, formulating a speech out of that topic is another! To help me with my 'demise' (char), I asked some people for tips on the topic-choosing thing, and they said I should choose a topic that I know very well so that I wouldn't have a very hard time making a speech about it, and I was like, "Ok." And so the topic I chose for my final speech was... *drumroll*... LOVE! I bet you didn't see that coming. [sarcasm]

So that is why I've been filling my  head with Adele's songs 'cause I guess that could help me "internalize" my topic better. Like, setting the mood or something. Haha. Just in case you haven't heard her songs yet, I'd have to say that Adele is, well, Adele. *swoons* Many people love her (including me!), maybe because they, or should I say we can relate to the songs she writes and sings which was also inspired by her experiences in love. Who could forget the bitterness and revenge that we all 'tasted' in her song "Rolling in The Deep" and the painful letting go of "Someone Like You"? I guess nobody would. Because we all could relate to those songs one way or another.

One of her songs that I really love (to the nth level) is "Make You Feel My Love". It was originally composed and sang by Bob Dylan and Adele made a wonderful cover of that song in her album, 19. When I first heard the lyrics to this song, I already fell in love with it. Why? Hmmm. Do you know that feeling when you can't express your feelings to a person, and although you want to tell him so bad, you can't find the words to say it? Well, this song had exactly the words I was looking for. Sabi nga nila, the words to your favorite songs are actually the thoughts in your mind that you want to say but you're just too scared to do so. True.

The song was all about making the person you love feel how much you love them (Gosh. I'm using the word "Love" too much. Redundant! Redundant!) It was kind of a "I'm-gonna-do-everything-for-you-because-I-love-you-so-much" song, there's even a part where it said,

"I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

 I'd go crawling down the avenue

 No there's nothing that I wouldn't do

 To make you feel my love"

 At first I was like, "Gosh, what is martyrdom." But I guess that's what love's about. It'll make you want to do almost anything for a person. You'd want to give almost everything to him/her that sometimes you don't even care if nothing will be left for you, and all that JUST TO PROVE YOUR LOVE. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying "Go, be battered, be hungry, and crawl down Session Road for your love!" No. I'm just saying many people (including me) are willing to go to such extent for love.

Wow. How lucky are those people who have someone to do anything for them and without asking anything in return. Well. That's love for you, people.

If you ask me, "So Kesh, do you have that special someone in your life right now? Do you have that person you want to prove your love for?" Yes, I do have someone. And yes, I am willing to prove my love for that someone. But love has its limits, too, and I think I've done enough proving as of now.  I've shown what I wanted to show. I've said almost all that I wanted to say. But still, I guess it wasn't enough. So I just chose to 'keep it to myself' for now. Yes, I still love him, of course. Hindi naman mawawala yun eh. Pero may mga bagay na kailangan ilugar. Mga bagay na kailangang itago nalang muna sa ngayon. Mga nararamdamang kailangan muna isantabi, dahil alam ko na darating din ang tamang panahon para ipakita ito. :) (Yes, nag-Tagalog.)

Anyway. I made a cover of that song (Make You Feel My Love). Just because. :D

OPEN LETTER TO __________:

 So, ______, if ever you're reading this post and natatamaan ka dahil alam mong ikaw ang pinatatamaan ko, you're free to feel awkward next time na magkita tayo. JK. This cover is for you (lels) kasi nga love kita (aheeeeee). I'll always be here for you, as a friend (friendzoned), maybe even as a sister (sisterzoned) kung yun ang kailangan mo, just as I am for my other friends. So yun. *apir* <3

~Kesh 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess I've said enough for one blog post. As a finale, I'm gonna leave this passage for y'all. :D

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails...
...and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.
But the greatest of these is LOVE.

I Love You.

Last Tuesday in our Speech Comm class, our instructor, Sir Zeke -the coolest (in my opinion) instructor in UPB - made us watch a couple of videos relating to our topic which was interpersonal communication. The first two videos were short movies (good ones), but the video that really "struck" me was the last video.

It was the poem of Mary Fons.
Love Poem.

This is the only poem that made me shed pathetic tears. In public pa.
Pathetic, 'cause I could relate to everything she said.


I tried to forget those memories, really.
But when I heard this poem,
it was like reopening the wounds that are trying to heal, and putting vinegar in it.

This poem reminded me of what I felt and what I went through last year.
And most of the time, being reminded of something you tried so hard to forget/let go HURTS.
*sighs*

The funny thing is, even though this poem made me kind of "upset" and emotional for the rest of the day, I totally loved it. It was just so painfully true and I could relate to everything she said that it was like she made that poem for me. Crazy and a bit masochistic of me, I know. Liking something that hurts me lang naman.

Anyway.
I spent two nights looking for that poem ('cause I forgot who wrote it. LOL.)
and today, TADAAA!! I found it!! Yey! :D

Here's the video.

                                    Love Poem

this poem is for the pillow clutchers/for those looking into the imaginary eyes of the person who fills their mind with sugarplum smiles/for those who have a cannon of dreams ready and waiting to blossom/for the men and the women who want to be understood in that way that only someone who kisses you can understand you/this poem is for you.

this poem is not for the desperate/the pathetic/the lame/the loser/not for the one who haven’t gotten laid in awhile/not for the one who says they’re “choosing not to date” for awhile/there is no such thing/this poem is for the people who cannot bring themselves to admit that they would give their right leg for any length of time with the person on their mind.

forgive me/I am not a brave woman/I do not know what lurks in the hearts of humans and I don’t really want to know/if what’s there mirrors memories I show in my face on bad days it holds kisses that are long gone/people who have disappeared/and passions that have faded into the ether of the past/nothing lasts/that is the one lesson this coward can say she is able to teach.

this poem is for all those who wish to say “I’m sorry”/I’m sorry I couldn’t love you/you deserve love/I’m sorry I couldn’t give something to you/you deserve to be given to/I’m sorry that for every person that loves somebody/another person just doesn’t want to/and sometimes we’re the lucky ones/right/we get to feel sweet truth in the night/the bodies we reach out to are miraculously there/but I know the despair that comes when they are not/I know the long nights and the doubt and the fear and that crawling back to a womb that just isn’t there/I know intensity’s address and the letdown that rents there/I’m sorry for it/it takes years off your life and it cannot be avoided.

and some times these little words are crutches for the crush that we feel/so this poem is a pathetic vehicle for me to tell you/each one of you/that I love you/in so many ways/in the same ways that stay up nights and days/dreaming up the perfect way to be there for someone/meals you would cook for them/poems you would write for them and the things you plan to say when they say no/well I love you/and you will never know how in the slight of a magician’s hand we could’ve been lovers and grandly in love/could’ve changed the whole game/written words on the horizon/changed the compromise/but you will know something else instead/bitter as bitter ever gets/more bitter than a rotten peach pit/more bitter than a child’s most terrifying nightmare at night/you will know that I don’t reflect what I see in your eyes/will will share some banal recognition/some cordial understanding but have I mentioned that I love you for not lying/so many people lying all the time/I hate them/so I love you/and you will still go home alone/and that is very hard to do.

for all the humans with love for those who aren't their lovers/I love you.

and so the poem ends because we know that it will/but before it slips away like everything else/I will attempt the only words I can think of that are a fraction as good as a kiss: when you reach out at night and find not someone/but the cold grey light of day that wakes you up like a slap/like a curse/like an insult/I love you/when you stay at home thinking of those who are long gone or those who are getting kisses from someone that is not you/I love you/for those who want what they probably need and whose bodies are starving not for food/for me and for you and for all the people who never knew or understood what you would do for them/I love you/I love you/I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Love Poem By Mary Fons

Goodbye, 2011.

Wow. 2011's over.
I can't believe it.


Well, I was thinking of reasons why year 2011 will be quite memorable to me, and so I came up with this list:

1. Graduated high school and left DFC-IS after 9 looong years.

2. Best friend left without saying goodbye. (Cried like crazy)

3. Entered UP.

awwwwyeaaaah...

4. Experienced a whole new world.

Expectation

Reality

5. Met new people.

THE MOST AWESOME-EST (and noisiest) BLOC.
CAC 2!!

6. Gained three new girlfriends. :D

France, Kitten, Crystal, and Moi

7. Lost weight. (Yeaaaaaaah!)

8. Found love. :D

9. Lost Had to let go of love. 

"What else can I do, he ain't mine anyway!!"

10. and finally!!, my last year as a minor!!! (owyeah.)

PARTY, PARTY!!! chos.

Haha. I know, I know. It's not much of a list.
But seriously, 2011 was one heck of a year for me.

I just hope 2012 will be more better.


I know it's kinda late, pero imma say goodbye to 2011 with this blogpost...

And this gif. hahaha. I'm so vain. Gosh.

ByeBye SemBreak...

Avitazein, sembreak. I shall miss you.

And now, I must kiss thee goodbye.

:)

Parents will be parents, I guess.

Isn't it funny how parents, despite their age, can have wild imagination sometimes??


I just got a piece of my mom's "thoughts" today. It was not a pleasant one. Ugh.

The story goes like this...

Everybody in the house woke up late kanina and so we started the day with devotion, as usual. After that, we had brunch and had a bit of a chat in the kitchen table while gobbling up the all the toast and coffee. I love the conversations I have with my parents, especially when everybody's in a good mood. Believe me, they can get pretty hilarious most of the times, mas lalo na si Tatay. hahaha. (I'm such daddy's girl.) Anyway. We were talking about random things and one of the topics that came across our conversation was the INTERNET. My mom was complaining (nagsusumbong, actually) to my dad about me staying too late in front of the computer during night time. Ako naman, todo deny na inaabot ako ng 4 am (although minsan nangyayari yun. Haha)

Then she was like, "Pa, yan si Keziah, lagi nalang nag-iinternet, hanggang alas-kwatro pa ng madaling araw. Pansinin mo, nag-iinternet siya kapag tulog na tayong lahat dito sa bahay..." I was like, "Oy, oy oy. anung sinasabi mo jan Ma?" 

Then all of a sudden, she had that suspicious look in her face...

and I thought, "oh no, where is she going with this..." 

and I was like, 

"what in the world is she up to now"

                       My dad was like, 

"Uh-huh, keep talking honey"

Then she said, "Hay nako Pa, yan si Keziah, nako! Sigurado ako, may kalokohang ginagawa yan pag tulog na tayo!! Isipin mo ha, hindi talaga siya nag-iinternet kapag meron tayo. Nako! Ikaw Keziah ha! Akala mo siguro hindi ko alam ang ginagawa mo." 

I was like, "Whaaaat?? MOOOOM!! Are you trying to say na, I'm into porn?!?!?!"

At that moment I felt like saying 

She continued on and said, "O? bakit? Hindi ba? Eh lagi-lagi ka kaya nag pupuyat sa harap ng computer, parang may ginagawa ka na ayaw mo ipakita samin. Umamin ka! Siguro nag-poporn ka talaga no??!!"

After a moment of silence, my dad and I were like, 

Poor mom. Pinagkaisahan namin ni tatay. She looked exactly like this:

Hahaha. Anyway. We had a bit of a discussion and I explained that I'm only chatting with a friend every time I'm staying up late, since I couldn't text with that friend 'cause they won't give me a cellphone (Ha. I'm so mean), so I'm like, "You leave me NO CHOICE!!" (haha, yeah. I talk back like a boss). I reassured them though, that I'm doing nothing bad in the internet and that I am most definitely not into sexual networking or any pornographic crap. 

Ugh. That conversation was so awkward. My mom is being praning whenever we're using the internet. There was this time kasi when she was browsing some videos in Youtube and I think she came across some videos that were, um, inappropriate(?). She must have thought, "O.O And my kids spend hours in the internet full of THIS?!" 

Kaya yun. haha. Mejo binabantayan ako ni mader ngaun. haha.
Ang gulo namin sa bahay noh? 

Daddy's girl. Lel. 

  
*sighs*
But still,
I SOOOO love my parents, how awkward they may be at times. :D